that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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