I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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