So drunk its hurt
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
