I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
