My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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