He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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