i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just invented taco cereal.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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