I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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