im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize