Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
