That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
