She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
