Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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