We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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