and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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