i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
