Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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