I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
