So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
