just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
