i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
