so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
