I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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