having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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