remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize