alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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