it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
