I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize