i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
