So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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