You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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