I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
