I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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