You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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