this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
