Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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