I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
