I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm both gender and math confused
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
