you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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