I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
