Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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