this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
