ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
