Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
