I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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