9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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