I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize