Just mADE A PArabola og urine
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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