He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
