my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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