so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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