My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Girls should come with a carfax report
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
