the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
