I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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