I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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