so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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