Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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