ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
