Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
