im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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