My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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