the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
