they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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