if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
