i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize